Adventures in Barbecuing

We probably barbecue 100-150 times a summer. We were given our barbecue by Natalie's parents about 5 years ago. We had a cover for it that lasted a night. We woke up the next day and it was gone, blown away by the wind. We never bothered to replace it, and over time, our barbecue started to look weathered and started getting rust on it. We always talked and dreamed of replacing it, but never had a need to do so.

When good weather finally came to Tremonton, we were excited to start barbecuing again. Natalie and I are hardcore barb'e'cuers. Cars were moved, food was prepared, and I knew we had propane. I opened up the grill, and used my trusty lighter (the electric start had decayed a long time ago). And we had fire! But there was a problem. Too much fire. The left side of the grill was a flame thrower. I am talking like 6 inch flames above the grill. No matter how low I turned it, I couldn't get the flame to a point that it wouldn't just char the food to a crisp in no time at all. It was obvious there would be no precision cooking in this flame. I shut the grill off, took it apart, and found the problem. The entire left corner of the burner had rusted away to nothing. There were no vents to control the gas, just a large opening for a giant flame to be created. Much to our dismay, it was obvious that there would be no grilling that day. The food was put away, and one of our local fast food restaurants got our hard earned money for the night.

I know I had seen replacement burners that you could buy at the store. So on our next visit to Ace Hardware I looked into fixing the grill. They wanted $40 for a new burner. I knew we would pay Tremonton prices for shopping in town. But over the years, Natalie and I had looked at grills and what we wanted was in the $100 range anyway. I thought of my weathered, and rusted grill, and decided I wasn't putting half the price of a new grill into a replacement part. We decided to check Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart rules, and they always have what we want (except for Wii stuff, their electronics department is no good). The replacement was $30 at Wal-Mart. So even without the "Tremonton Mark-Up", it was 1/3 of a new grill. My stubbornness kicked in, and we decided to save for a new grill.

Fast forward to this last week. We have suffered enough without freshly barbecued meat and the money had finally been saved. Natalie and I have been scouting grills from Lowes to Wal-Mart. We decided on a $150 grill. We have already discussed my level of nerdiness. So going back to my roots, I checked the Internet before heading to Wal-Mart.

OH NO!! our potential grill is getting horrible customer reviews all around. From the sounds of it, the grill could be kept in a clean room for 2 years, and it was going to disintegrate before our eyes. And then the replacement parts were going to equal the cost of a new grill. Not a single good review for the grill we had picked, and that is coming from numerous web-sites. I took my findings to "The Boss" (Natalie), and asked her what we should do. We decided that we would spend just a bit more money and get the next cheapest grill (yes we are cheap).

(No the meat is not included)

It gets good reviews, and gets compared to $800 grills in quality. It's a winner! I am going to attach one of the reviews from Wal-Mart.com. I will refer to it later in this blog.

"Just bought this grill. To our surprise, it actually fit in the back seat of our 4 door sedan. Took about 2 hours to assemble by myself on my patio. The instructions and diagrams were very easy to follow and the packaging made it extremely easy to locate all of the parts. Everything fit together exactly how it was supposed to.. very hassle free assembly.It fired up on the first try and the side burner did as well. We were cooking steaks and burgers less than 3 hours after we bought it. The food cooked evenly and quickly. Very nice grill for the money.Cons: The grease cup on the bottom of the grease tray is not very sturdy. It just sits and hangs... pretty wobbly. There were a few minor dings in the front of the grill cover, but I'm not about to complain after getting such an awesome deal. This grill looks and performs just like if not better than the high end $800 plus webers"

I work a graveyard shift the next day, so I am staying up all night. By the time Natalie and I watch the American Idol finale, after I had been at work, its 2AM. And I am heading to Wal-Mart for the grill. It's not my first trip to Wal-Mart in the middle of the morning. So, I know what to expect when I get there. Let's just say a lot of the more "dis-reputable" people work at night. They stock the shelves in the middle of the night, so the store is disorganized. No big deal. And of course all of the employees give you the look that says, "What in the world are you doing here, don't you know it's 3 in the morning?"

On the way to Wal-Mart the clouds open and it begins to rain. I get to Wal-Mart and do some of the other shopping I need done, I decide to save the gill for last. With my other items in my cart, I head over to their outdoor area. The last time I was there, they had all the grills out in a big floor display, and there were tons of em piled up for the buying. Well, now they are all gone. I finally locate their grills in the very corner of the store. I start looking, and I am glad that we decided on the other grill, because our first choice (the one that disintegrates in a clean room), was not there at all. But the grill we decided on was! It was even better that on the Internet. It's a dream grill, stainless still, big, quality electric start, AWESOME! It's a grill that would make Tim Allen grunt on Home Improvement. (Old school? Yes I know)

The bad news, they only have two of them, and they are wedged all the way back on a 2nd shelf, and the bottom of the shelf is level with the top of my head. I try to push the grill out, and no luck, it won't budge. I look at the box. It has has pictures of two people lifting a large box correctly, and is stamped, "Team Lift". The weight, 130 pounds. I usually discredit such warnings, but since the box won't budge, I decide to get help. I track down one of the employees down and tell her my dilemma. Her answer, "Um, the person that generally does that is on lunch break right now, I will see if I can get him to come." No biggie, it's 3AM by now and, I know my request is not the norm for this time of day. I go over by the grills, and wait.......... and wait.......... and wait. 30 minutes later, a very polite gentleman comes to help me get the gill that dreams are built upon. We wrestle it from the shelf, place it on top of the cart (its a bit big). The nice gentlemen offered to help me take it to the car. Ummm heck no! I am a guy, and I most certainly don't need help now that the monstrosity is off the shelf. After all its just a heavy box, but nothing I shouldn't be able to grunt and groan thru. I politely decline and mumble something about needing to do a bit more shopping. I had forgotten to buy hot dogs to grill up! I get my hot dogs, and wrestle my cart to the checkout stand. It's 4AM now and I am in a hurry to get home. I can hear that it's pouring rain outside.

I walked to the doors and it was pouring rain. I wrestled the cart to the car, and put all of the other items I purchased in the front seat and opened the back door of the car to put the grill in. Just when I am ready to get the grill in the car, I see the crew of disreputables from Wal-Mart come outside for their smoke break. My "spidy-sense" goes crazy, and the cop in my becomes immediately aware of the fact that there are bad guys nearby. I lifted the gigantic grill from the cart. Oh my word this beast was heavy. I get it to the door as I feel the onset of a hernia in my stomach, and push the grill. Nothing. It won't fit. NaOOOOO! it can't be.

Now lets take a break from the story. I refer back to the customer review I posted. Specifically where is reads, "To our surprise, it actually fit in the back seat of our 4 door sedan." This review was most definitely posted by someone that is high on LSD, or someone that is referring to their 1979 Ford LTD, a boat of a car. I am thinking of a car that I remember my parents had when I was really young. I don't know exactly what kind of car my parents actually had, but you know the type, a boat. The back seat was big enough that when Mom and Dad wanted to see a movie, they would throw a mattress in the back seat of the car for the kids to fall asleep on, so they could enjoy the movie (Drive-In's, Old School again!). Those cars with the back seat that is so big you could park a Yugo back there. These are the only two situations that could make someone post such inaccurate information.

I put the grill on the ground, and am keenly aware that all the dirtbags are watching me. I open the trunk and get into the Olympic weight lifter stance to grab the grill. (Now remember all of this is occurring in a downpour.) I grab onto the grill and lift again. It's not that I can't lift the weight, it's the shape of the box, but the cords in my neck are straining as I back up to the trunk. The rain soaked box is slippery and its sliding out of my hands. I set the box down so that I don't drop the grill and damage my property, and, look like a fool in front of the bad guys. I dry my hand's, grab the grill, lift it to my thighs, and try and rest it on my legs. Gaaaaaah! OUCHY! LEG CRAMP! Right in the middle of my left calf. And down the grill goes. I save it from another damaging fall, and try to act like I have something more important going on than wrestling a box in the rain. I have to figure out something fast, or I am sure one of the disreputables is going to come up and offer assistance. My pride is at stake. I work the cramp out of my calf, and am ready to try again. I lift the box over the edge of the trunk and guess what. It doesn't fit, not even close, it would take 100 bungee cords (that I don't have) to tie the box down to the car. So if I wasn't thinking straight in the first place, I definitely am not now. I am mad! I was betrayed by a review, I look like an idiot in front of the dirt bags, it's pouring rain, I am soaked, and I have been gone much longer than planned. I decide that I am going to make another attempt at the side door. As if my utter failure the first time was not memorable enough. So lift, pain, push, and just like the first time it doesn't fit.

What to do? I only have one option left, and I don't like it. I am all about order, I read instruction books for fun. I like following directions, and am worried when something doesn't happen in order. I go against my personality, rip open the box, and start chucking parts into the car. My conscious is screaming at me, "No you idiot, you are going to lose a piece and it won't go together right." I tell myself I have no choice, and keep flinging parts into the car. And then I see it. Pre-Assembled, in the box, is the grill lid and base, it is enormous. No box, it has to fit. Lift it, push it, GAH, it won't fit thru the door, you have got to be kidding me. Next stop the trunk. I carry the part to the trunk, and again, it won't fit. I wedge it in the trunk the best I can. It is so big the trunk lid won't even close a little. I decide that I am taking it home that way no matter what. I give it a few test pushes, trying to simulate the inertia of a car ride to Tremonton, it's wobbly, but it will have to do. I check the box, I have all the parts removed from the box. I hope I haven't lost any.

And then it happened, a disreputable, coming towards me. I am drenched. He certainly can't be coming to help, the work is done. Cop mode kicks in 100%, and I start thinking about how I am gonna handle this dude. As the guy gets closer, I can tell he is a drug addict. He had all the physical symptoms of a meth user. And judging by the symptoms, he had just used. I start running scenarios thru my head, so I know what I am going to do when certain things happen. And then he says the unexpected, "Why don't I take that box for you." I let him take the box. He carries it back to their shelter like a trophy and all of his buddies snicker. I get myself into the car, and at turtle speed (I don't want the grill to fall out), flee the parking lot.

It's about 4:30AM now, its pouring rain, I have my precious barbecue hanging dangerously from the trunk, and I am trying to make it home. Visions are flashing thru my head of my precious grill falling out of the trunk, skipping across the pavement, and disintegrating into tiny pieces. In the past I have helped remove debris from the freeway of similar incidents. So.... it's 50 mph the entire way home. It felt like an eternity. I stopped under every overpass to check to see if the portion hanging out of the trunk has jarred loose at all. Surprisingly there was a lot more traffic than I expected. The semi trucks would pass me, seemingly at light speed. With the rain, each passing car would send a powerful shower of water into my car. Between watching the road, trying to see if the grill piece in the trunk was about to fall out, and trying to negotiate the waves of water that passing cars would shower on me, it felt like it took an entire day to get home. It was a 40 minute drive home. I was so glad when it was over and I backed into the driveway.

I had promised Natalie her grill would be ready to go the next day so my adventures weren't over yet. It seemed like it took about 30 trips from car to house, but I got all the part's inside. I now refer you back to the review made by someone living in a different world than us, it says, "Took about 2 hours to assemble by myself". Well.... 4 hours later, my grill was assembled. I must say the ordeal made me more proud of my prize than ever. I think I made it to bed around 9 or 10 AM, I can't remember for sure, my eyes were a bit hazy.

One of my extra purchases was another barbecue cover. I resisted the urge to spend $15 more for a BYU grill cover. One thing is for sure, I will take care of my grill much better this time.

The next night, we barbecued! And we have barbecued, at least, one meal every day since we bought it. I love my new grill. So when you see me outside, with a smile on my face, working at my grill, secretly hoping the wonderful smells of my food are wafting into every open window in the neighborhood causing stomachs to rumble. Know that it came at a heavier price than cheap. And...... that makes the food taste even better!

Happy Summer and Happy Barbecuing!